March 12, 2008

by Jane R Boswell

There are times, to be sure, when domestic life flows serenely along with hardly a ripple. Mom and Dad are cheerfully obeyed and siblings seldom rival each other. However, into the most well-ordered homes, seasons of turbulence blow in like unwelcomed northeasters, causing at best - an unsettling situation, at worst, alarm.

When this happens in home schooling families – and it does... with symptoms erupting in the form of too much bickering, sour attitudes and negative behavior... where do we look to find the source of the problem? Since we can no longer blame the school and classroom, it must be mom's and dad's fault... right? Although this is rarely true, parents tend to pick up false messages and heave the guilt produced by a less-than-perfect home environment onto their own shoulders. If this isn't enough, when homeschooling-life-plans aren't running quite as smoothly as expected, the relatives shovel some more 'constructive criticism' onto the top of the burden. Even well-meaning but insensitive support group members can add to the pain as they too often listen, shake their heads, and proceed to share the delights of their perfect children and 'blessed' home.

Once, while presenting a workshop at a support group, a question was posed to me by a timid young mother concerning a less-than-perfect atmosphere in her home. She hesitantly shared worries about her two children, new to the homeschooling pattern, who constantly argued and picked at each other. All methods of discipline had seemed to fail and now at wit's end, her husband had threatened to put them back in school if things didn't straighten up - a solution that hurt this mother's heart even more. Fortunately, this was a well-seasoned group of homeschoolers, with a fine leader. And after a pause, one parent after another began to open up and share similar experiences and problem-solving techniques. Unafraid of criticism, each poured out words of understanding and stories of struggles during their own seasons of stress and adjustment. After it was over, we found ourselves crying and laughing together all at the same time.

Yes, there are times when our children seem bent on disturbing the peace. I have heard these stories countless times, and have experienced my own share of ups and downs. But too many parents- mothers especially - convince themselves that they are alone in a difficult situation. They live with a false idea of failure, inadequacy and shame, sometimes giving up homeschooling altogether because they think they will never measure up.

Thank the Lord for worthy groups such as the one I mentioned who embrace these parents and help them work through their problems with compassion, understanding and humor.

Your children will fight and buck your authority -whether or not you homeschool. Homeschooling does not guarantee angelic children. They will remain all too human. They will fight with their brothers and sisters. They will pout and complain and fuss like all children. These are challenges of the human condition - not the fault of homeschooling or even a less than perfect family life. However, if you do homeschool, you have a far greater advantage over other parents in dealing with these situations. You have a better chance to remedy the problem in a patient and consistent manner because you have more time to concentrate on those weak areas. You are not competing for your child's attention with the mixed influences from schools, teachers and peers. You can build guidelines and plan strategies for follow-through with minimum outside distractions and take all the time needed to bring a peaceful setting back to your home and life.

So, when you are faced with mounting sibling squabbles, surly dispositions and a higher-than-acceptable stress level as you begin the day, remember: It is more important to bring order to your home and build positive relationships among all members of the family than concern yourself with mowing through math worksheets and reading assignments. It is well understood that learning will not take place in an unhappy, stress-filled environment.

If you have been living under a cloud of negative emotions, striving children, and the burden of trying to keep up with lesson plans (that don't seem to be working) plus all of the responsibilities of running a home...STOP! Give yourself permission to stop.

But before you 'grab the rod, lest you spoil the child' let's take a closer look at the overall picture. Getting to the root of the problem may take time. It may mean taking time off "school" - or halting book work for a while to focus first on positive steps in relationship building. If you're worried about holes in your planner, count this time as Practical Living, Character Training and Life Skills.

To get a handle on what's really happening- you'll need to be very honest. When children (or adults) behave inappropriately, their actions can be a signal of needed changes in some obvious areas. For instance, look at your family's regular habits and routines. The operative word here is 'regular'. The areas of nutrition, rest, routine, fresh air and physical activity can become easily unbalanced. Many problems seem to arise in mid-February due to bouts of 'cabin fever' and 'couch potato-ism'. Make sure you and your children are eating well, going to bed at an early enough hour, and are expending energy outdoors or in some regular physical exercise or work routine. These simple changes can be made easily and quickly but can reap measurable results almost immediately.

Next, how would you rate your homeschool program? Adjustments in this area often alleviate simmering attitude problems. Common causes of frustration in and out of the traditional classroom are the use of methods and materials that do not fit the students' learning needs or style. If you are leaning heavily on workbook pages and dull reading assignments, little is actually provided to challenge the intellect or stimulate the imagination. When your children express boredom, criticism or argue that an afternoon in the principal's office is 'better than this' - maybe it is time to listen. Worse yet, for many children such programs breed frustration and anxiety. One of the joys of home education is the ability to tailor-make a curriculum for each child.

Sitting down together and encouraging open dialogue about how and what they are learning is a good beginning. Although it may take a little extra planning to start with, the results will be well worth it.

Schedules and organization are important to a well-functioning home, but maintaining balance is key. Homeschooling parents are often some of the busiest, most overly-committed people I've ever seen. And I've been on the treadmill myself, believe me. Having our children with us nearly 24 hours a day does not guarantee that they are receiving the quality time they need from us. Some behavior problems are simply attention-getters. Because children can't always identify and verbalize certain emotions, frustration is translated into whining, complaining and tears. Interpretation: "Help, please pay attention to me!"

For our family, streamlining our time and re-opening the doors to communication were imperative. Ask yourself these questions: "Does our schedule leave room for each child to receive time and attention from us? Do our kids really know that we are listening to them? Am I getting enough time for myself and my spouse?" It is important to check our priorities regularly ö even daily and give plenty of time to the things and people that count.

Unhappy attitudes can also develop with slipping self-esteem. Or perhaps your child's self-image was badly bruised while serving time in a regular classroom. Making sure that your children are experiencing success in their learning is important, especially if they have been beaten down in the competitive academic arena. Such wounds take time to heal. Sometimes progress will come quickly, while at other times abundant patience will be needed. The home is the first and best place for your children to learn that they are respected, accepted and needed as important members of your family and community. Positive self-esteem is derived from unconditional love and acceptance on the one hand, balanced with healthy expectations on the other. Research by Dr. Raymond and Dorothy Moore and others, shows that a regular schedule of household jobs, practical life experiences and service opportunities in the church or community keeps minds and hands occupied while helping to develop altruism ö an absolute prerequisite for mature adulthood.

When looking at any behavior or attitude problem, we should also examine our pattern of discipline or lack of it. Here are questions my husband and I continually checked ourselves with:

Do our children clearly understand what is expected of them?


Are the expectations reasonable for their age and maturity level?


Do they clearly know the rules?
What behavior, speech, attitude or even 'body language' (frowns, smirks,etc.) are not allowed?

Do they understand why?


Do they clearly understand the consequence of broken rules? And why?


Finally, when discipline (training, not punishment) is needed, is it immediate, consistent and applied with love and forgiveness? (as opposed to angry retaliation)

Sometimes children develop negative habit patterns without even realizing it. (Just like adults do, too.) But even a negative attitude can fester and cause much damage - poisoning the entire 'atmosphere' of the home. Measures must be taken to carefully help the child recognize his/her unsettling behavior and change course. The best discipline is training in self-control and even young children can manage their own wills with the proper and loving help from responsible family members.

Consistency is key in any training. You absolutely cannot let your child get away with unacceptable behavior one day and dole out discipline for it the next. Proper training takes planning, patience and diligence. It means that Mom and Dad will have to focus on this task until the desired results are achieved. If a child's negative behavior is very ingrained, then it will take a conscious and planned effort by both parents even if it means sacrificing your normal routine to deal with the problem. Behavior patterns can be channeled more positively in a relatively short period of time if there is a united effort by both parents.

However, with all of this said, even with the best and most perfect routines and training strategies, parents must work toward learning to let go. If you haven't already experienced this, you will find that as your children grow and mature, you must fight against feeling ultimately responsible for their behavior...either good or bad. The human will is powerful. Children will make right and wrong decisions...yes, even wrong decisions which will have certain and sometimes painful consequences. You can neither fully protect them from these choices or force them to make the ones that you, in your wisdom, would design for them.

Avoid the trap of carrying a false burden of guilt and responsibility for your children. Love them, train them and give them into the hands of their loving, wise heavenly Father and prepare to let them go. I apologize if this is too simply put. I know that this process is agonizing at times.

Finally, but most importantly, turn to the Lord for full direction with your children. He created them and uniquely gifted them. He has also equipped you as parents with great understanding and the ability to train each child 'in the way he/she should go.' You, as a parent, know more about each child than anyone else, even if you cannot write a thesis about it in 'educationese'. You love your child more than anyone else and have the most vested interest in his/her future. God will open doors, and provide you with the answers you need. Just ask.

You CAN successfully homeschool. Confidence will not come suddenly, but gradually it will develop if you allow yourself and your children to take life one day at a time and follow right priorities. Jesus Himself gave us that advice.

Home can and should be a wonderful, happy, stress-free place to love, to learn, and to grow. God meant it to be so and He has a Master plan for yours.

Here's a list of good books to help you with the parenting and the homeschooling adventure:

Better Late Than Early, Dr. Raymond and Dorothy Moore
The Successful Homeschool Family Handbook, Dr. Raymond and Dorothy Moore
Home Built Discipline, Dr. Raymond and Dorothy Moore
Time In: For When Time-Out Doesnât Work, Jean Illsley Clarke
How To Really Love Your Child (and Teenager), Ross Campbell
How To Make Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours, Dr. Kevin Leman
You Can Teach Your Child Successully, Dr. Ruth Beechick
Dr. Beechickâs Homeschool Answer Book, Dr. Ruth Beechick and Debbie Strayer
Gaining Confidence To Teach, Debbie Strayer

Also, look for books by Linda Dobson, John Holt, John Taylor Gatto.