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by Valerie Fitzenreiter
The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority.
~Stanley Milgram~
What are the responsibilities of parents? To see that their child is loved and nourished, educated and socialized and taught to respect themselves and others? Societal norms place these requirements on parents with no instructions on how best to accomplish them. New parents suddenly find themselves with an infant and only their past experiences to draw on. Their past experiences may only include their own parents blindly raising children according to how their parents raised them. Surely there is an evolution of sorts among parenting, but I don't believe that evolution is happening fast enough.
Our prisons are full of people who were raised without the type of guidance that gave them the confidence and strength to make wise choices. Therapists offices are booked with appointments for people who have become so distraught with the daily pressures of life that they cannot function without the help of a professional and/or chemical substances. The main cause of the ailment leads to the repercussions caused by the demands of a society that is out of control. Or is control the problem? Have we given the government officials so much control over our lives that we cannot even raise our own children in a way that will result in happy, confident adults? Have we bought into the system so thoroughly that we don't even question that the authority figures who make the rules and regulations have children whose lives are not lives we wish for our children to emulate?
I believe that it is our duty as responsible parents to teach our children to think for themselves. The best way to do that is to let them think for themselves. Yes, we must feed them and give them a home. Those are the basic requirements. But the emotional nourishment is just as important if were going to produce a nation of healthy individuals. Sending a child off to school every morning to spend the day confined in a classroom with approximately twenty other children and an underpaid exhausted adult is not taking responsibility for a child. It is giving in to what society has dictated is a normal way to live. There are so many households that consist of two adults working full-time in order to purchase a lifestyle that is detrimental to the family members and has few benefits. After a long day of rules and regulations in school, the child will often go home to more of the same from an overtired parent. Children need our time, love and respect, not expensive shoes and brand-name clothing. If you ask most children if they'd prefer a larger home or time with a non-stressed parent, I can assure you that their choice will not be the larger home if they have any experience with a non-stressed parent.
Somewhere along the way, priorities have become skewed. Adults will shrink with embarrassment if their vehicle isn’t as nice as the neighbors, but they will feel no shame about putting their child on Ritalin so that he will conform to the standards of a classroom setting. A parent will brag about his obedient honor student and lower his voice when speaking of the child who is rebellious, independent and curious. This attitude is making robots out of the children who are too afraid to stand out and be different. Its also making the strong child feel that there is something wrong with him because he doesn't fit in. What you end up with is the same; children being forced into a mold of docility and discontent. Both types of children are consistently beat down through the years until many of them rebel in ways that will be harmful to them and others. Most will have children and continue the same style of parenting that oppressed them throughout their childhood. One of the saddest aspects of that, is most people aren't even aware of their own oppression.
I personally challenged the definition of what parental responsibility is when I made the decision to allow Laurie to be a natural learner. I spit in the face of tradition and did what was necessary to provide her with the safe atmosphere in which to grow at her own pace, experience self-discovery and be free of the enormous pressures that are amassed on the average child. It was not my responsibility to see that she followed a predetermined chart on what she should know at a given age. My responsibility was to see to it that she was free of that predetermination. I didn't feel obliged to give unknown people sitting in a school board office accurate data on what Laurie knew. In fact, it angered me that they had any say-so whatsoever on how my child was raised. The majority of school board members are simply robots raised in the system who never found the strength to think for themselves. They never ventured outside the box that was drawn for them. They never crossed the lines. Possibly there are some members who know the fallacies of a school education, but they haven't had the capability to remove themselves from the career that continues to support the erroneous belief that schools are necessary.
The therapists are telling us that we need time away from our children, that we need time to nurture ourselves. Why do you think we need this time? Is it because we were raised to conform to those same docile molds that our children are now expected to fit into? Do we need time away from our children because they are not much fun to be around due to the stress caused when a person is forced into situations on a daily basis? One thing that this lifestyle assures, is the need for more therapists in the future. I suppose its job security for a therapist to encourage people to follow along like good sheep. And maybe that’s an unfair accusation towards therapists; after all, they are members of the herd, blindly following the crowd. Do you ever wonder who the leader is? Do you ever stop and think that you could stop following and start leading your own family?
Laurie celebrated anniversaries and birthdays with her dad and me. She was never left behind with a baby-sitter or made to feel that she wasn't welcome to join us. When she spent time with other family members, she knew that she could phone us to pick her up at any time. We let her know that we wanted her with us, that we enjoyed her company. Her presence with us was not based on convenience or our need for privacy. She was the child and her needs were our priority. We sincerely wanted her with us.
When Laurie was twelve years old, we dropped her off at her cousins slumber party. She knew no one there except her cousin but decided to go anyway. Her father and I went to visit friends in a nearby town. Laurie phoned us after an hour and asked us if we would come get her. We didn't ask her why. We trusted that if she wanted to leave, there was a good reason. We broke our visit short with our friends and went to her rescue. Her reasons for wanting to leave the party are unimportant. She was uncomfortable there for several reasons, none of which put her in danger. It was suggested to us that we should have made her stick it out and deal with the boredom and discomfort. We didn't feel the need to make her stay nor did we chide her for not being able to get along with the other girls. Laurie was not enjoying herself and forcing her to stay would not have changed that situation. I've stayed in uncomfortable situations and only become more miserable as the hours went by. Leaving the situation brought immediate relief. Why shouldn't she have the right to leave when she doesn't want to stay? She couldn't leave without our help. It was our responsibility to see to it that she had the ability to leave an uncomfortable situation.
My feelings of responsibility for Laurie were different from those of other parents I knew. They saw their role as being there to teach their kid a lesson. I felt that she needed to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I respected her opinions and needs, that I loved her unconditionally and that she could trust me to support her in all of her endeavors. That did not include dictating her every move and thought. It meant that I gave her the freedom to be responsible for her own thoughts and actions. I utilized no control over things that did not endanger her life. She chose her own bedtimes, clothing and interests. She made her own mistakes and no one pointed them out to her for her own good. It was not my responsibility to point her in any certain direction. I knew that she would find her own direction and become a stronger adult because of that choice.
Becoming a parent is the largest responsibility in the world. There are many books that are devoted to the physical, nutritional, spiritual and emotional needs of a child. I must question these books though. Are the emotional needs really those of the child, or are they the needs of the parents? If they teach parents how to coerce, bend or mold a child into a responsible adult, then you can be certain the authors do not have the child's best interest at heart. The point of those books is to insure that the children fit into society's definition of normal, to make life easier on the parent. The effect is quite the opposite. It will never be easier to coerce a square peg into a round hole than it will be to just accept the fact that its not going to fit. Accept that the square peg is beautiful just the way it is and remove the tension from your life. As responsible parents we must take a stand and discontinue the disrespectful practice of authoritative parenting. It is definitely not the best way to raise children.
About the author:
Valerie Fitzenreiter is the author of
The Unprocessed Child: Learning Without School. For more informaiton or to contact the autor, please visit her web site: http://www.ubpub.com/unprocessedchild.html
About the book in Valerie’s words:“My book is about how we raised our daughter, Laurie, with attachment parenting and unschooling methods. I discuss issues that concern parents who are considering unschooling their children and offer advice on living a peaceful coexistence with children.” -VF
[Note: The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of HEFT. Parenting covers a wide range of ideas, philosophies and beliefs which should be respectfully discussed. ]
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